Forgiveness

Forgiveness is incredibly hard.

But if we want to live a joyful and happy life, then it is one of the most important things we have to learn to do.

When something happens to us and we don’t forgive, then we carry that burden around with us.  Whoever has upset us gets to live rent-free in our heads.  And can stay there for as long as we choose to let them.

I once read that carrying a grudge, not forgiving someone who has wronged you, is like drinking a cup of poison and hoping it hurts the other person.  I can’t think of a better analogy.  Have you ever met anyone who holds a lot of grudges and is truly happy?  Me neither.  It sits within them, corroding their joy from the inside.  I’ve met plenty of people like that.  I’ve been there a lot myself.

Please let me be very clear about two things, though.

Firstly, forgiveness is not weakness.  

It is one of the hardest things we will ever have to do and requires enormous strength.  Don’t believe me?  Think of the worst thing someone has ever, or could ever, do to you.  Now imagine that you have to forgive them.  Not easy is it?  Often, the act of forgiveness is not a one-time thing either.  Sometimes we have to make a massive effort to forgive, then wake up the next day and do it all over again.  And again.  And again. 

If you think forgiveness is cowardice or a cop-out, try it.  Really, really try it.

Secondly, forgiveness doesn’t mean acts should go unpunished.  

If someone has wronged you, then yes you should forgive them.  But no they absolutely shouldn’t get away with it either, legally or morally.  Forgiveness is not at odds with proper, fair judicial punishment.  But equally it is not compatible with personal revenge or mob justice.  People who have committed criminal acts against us should face the law.  Those who have done us wrong in a more minor sense, should seek to make amends somehow.  

But by the same measure so should we to those we’ve ever offended.  When I stop to think about it, this is a long list for me.  Maybe for you too.  

I told you this wasn’t an easy path.

Many families, communities and countries are still at odds over something that happened tens, maybe even hundreds of years ago.  Who is getting any better through that?  No one.  The cycle of grudge, revenge and counter-grudge goes on.  Generation after generation, until no one truly understands where the whole thing began.  Just that “We hate them because of who they are!”  

It doesn’t take much lateral thinking to come up with many, many recent examples.  And in black and white like this, it seems so ridiculous.  But when we’re in the middle of such a culture ourselves, we somehow find a logic and reason for these emotions.

But the truth of the matter is this…forgiveness is necessary for a better world.

Forgiveness is necessary for a brighter future, whether globally or closer to home.

And the only place it can start is when individuals choose to forgive one another.  Then maybe societies can forgive one another?  Perhaps even nations can forgive one another?

Do we want a future of continued acrimony, animosity and warfare?  Has it served us well so far?

Or would we actually rather live in peace and harmony?

We need to be more gentle with one another.  Recongnising that we have all in our own way, fucked up.  Probably many times.  We need to see others as we see ourselves and learn to understand rather than dislike them.  We need to forgive others their wrongs and work to make up for our own mistakes.

When we do that, we will start to build the beginnings of a brighter future.  We will feel the long-carried loads of friction and hatred lift from our shoulders.

Forgiveness isn’t weak and will require more strength than many of us have on our own.

Forgiveness isn’t easy, but no one ever said life would be.

But forgiveness is the start of being set free.

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash